1 00:00:02,700 --> 00:00:05,260 'Norman Stanley Fletcher, 2 00:00:05,260 --> 00:00:12,140 'you have pleaded guilty and it is now my duty to pass sentence. 3 00:00:14,940 --> 00:00:20,480 'You are a criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, 4 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:25,340 'and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. 5 00:00:25,340 --> 00:00:32,260 'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences. 6 00:00:32,260 --> 00:00:35,900 'You will go to prison for five years.' 7 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:42,260 The happy sound of Radio One! 8 00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:49,860 'Here's a request from Bridget in Dundee for Ricky, who has blue eyes and looks like David Essex! 9 00:00:49,860 --> 00:00:52,460 'Bridget is 16, 10 00:00:52,460 --> 00:00:57,500 'works in a cake factory, and her job is to spot flawed almonds. 11 00:00:57,500 --> 00:01:02,540 'She met Ricky briefly at a dance last summer on the Ayrshire coast. 12 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:06,320 'All she knows is that he's from Glasgow...' 13 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:10,320 ..And his hobby is beating up lavatory attendants! 14 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:14,380 I'm listening to that! And I'M not! Sentimental slush! 15 00:01:14,380 --> 00:01:18,220 I have to listen to Friday Night Is Music Night! 16 00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:23,260 And I sit through Rosko! But I draw the line at David Hamilton! 17 00:01:23,260 --> 00:01:26,540 The wireless is never off in this nick. 18 00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:30,540 They're piping Tony Blackburn into the kitchens. 19 00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:34,960 Yes, they believe we're in prison to be punished. 20 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:42,300 Anyway, I wanted to hear the request slot - "Hello, Young Lovers" corner. Oh, yeah? 21 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:46,820 I sent a request in for Denise. Denise? My fiancee. 22 00:01:46,820 --> 00:01:49,300 Oh, that Denise. 23 00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:55,820 I wanted to express my feelings of undying love. I asked for "Everlasting Love". 24 00:01:55,820 --> 00:01:59,740 You should have asked for "My Ding-A-Ling" (!) 25 00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:07,500 I've listened all week and it ain't been on. You'd think MY needs were greater than some almond sorter's. 26 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:10,100 Did you write on prison notepaper? 27 00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:15,340 Yeah, you had my last sheet of Basildon Bond. That's it then. 28 00:02:15,340 --> 00:02:18,140 Are they biased against prisoners?! 29 00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:23,180 Not officially, but I can't recall hearing a prisoner's request. 30 00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:28,460 Forces, yes, and ack-ack batteries, but never no-one from no nick, no. 31 00:02:28,460 --> 00:02:33,160 We have a bad enough time without having requests denied! 32 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:37,700 That's discrimination! AND five stamps up the spout. 33 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:43,740 You can see their point of view. The public are bound to take offence. 34 00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:51,620 You're all listening to "Family Favourites", and they read a postcard with a Parkhurst postmark! 35 00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:55,660 "Can 'Mad Dog' Hollister have Clair de Lune?" 36 00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:59,660 Clair de Lune? 37 00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:04,420 Yes, that's French for "by the light of the silvery moon". 38 00:03:04,420 --> 00:03:11,700 I thought it might be a cultural conversation. Hey, maybe you can tell us the ruling. 39 00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:16,220 Ruling, Godber? Yeah, Miss Lonely Loins here... 40 00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:21,340 ..wants to know whether the BBC ever play prisoners' requests. 41 00:03:21,340 --> 00:03:28,300 No. The answer to that is no - it could cause embarrassment. Embarrassment? 42 00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:32,800 The prisoner's family might have excused his absence 43 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:37,620 by saying that he was abroad, or working on an oil-rig. 44 00:03:37,620 --> 00:03:45,580 Oh, I see. No doubt your wife, Fletcher, has told your friends you are on a five-year safari (!) 45 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:52,940 No, she just says I'm doing missionary work in Scotland. 46 00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,140 The practice was also open to abuse. 47 00:03:58,140 --> 00:04:04,900 There was nothing to stop prisoners sending messages in code across our airwaves. 48 00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:07,940 Oh, yeah. That is a point, innit? 49 00:04:07,940 --> 00:04:14,700 Some heart-warming Christmas message from an old lag to his wife and family, eh? 50 00:04:14,700 --> 00:04:19,460 "Can we have Harry Secombe singing The Impossible Dream?" 51 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:26,500 He really meant, "Be outside E-wing with a ladder on Boxing Day... and a mince pie." 52 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:33,420 Good idea. It's an abuse of privilege, which is why I'm here. Not a social call? 53 00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:39,460 Six soft toilet rolls have disappeared from the Governor's closet - 54 00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:41,980 his personal water-closet. 55 00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:45,420 Would you Adam and Eve it? Whatever next? 56 00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:48,100 Knowing you, probably the seat. 57 00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:53,500 Don't look at ME, sir. 58 00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:03,920 Nor me. It's writing-paper I'M short of. It's not right. We've had to give him prison-issue tissue. 59 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,560 That's rough (!) 60 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,780 Rough, yeah! 61 00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:11,280 I'll say it is. 62 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,100 That'll wipe the smile off his face! 63 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:21,100 Fortune has given you two privileged positions here. 64 00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:27,500 Don't jeopardise them by any infraction of the rules. I'll say no more. 65 00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:34,380 Thank you. Thanks for the advice. To which we'll pay great heed. 66 00:05:34,380 --> 00:05:38,100 Now naff off. Certainly! Certainly! 67 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:44,020 He's always picking on us. It's his suspicious mind, the nosey nerk. 68 00:05:44,020 --> 00:05:47,660 Care for a glass of toilet roll? 69 00:05:47,660 --> 00:05:51,700 You've got one! Yeah. I did have six. 70 00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:59,780 Where's the other five? I traded them. Who to? There are still a few felons with a bit of refinement. 71 00:05:59,780 --> 00:06:04,180 There are two embezzlers on the bottom landing. 72 00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:11,700 There's an unfrocked dentist and a lot of white-collar felons who'd jump at this sort of stuff. 73 00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:15,540 What do you get? I'm owed some nice merchandise. 74 00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:20,700 I'm promised a cricket sweater, a pair of Hush Puppies 75 00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:23,740 and a box of after-dinner mints. 76 00:06:23,740 --> 00:06:26,540 Hey... What? Share and share alike! 77 00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:30,060 What? It's a rule of the house, isn't it? 78 00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:33,420 Share my toilet roll? It's only fair. 79 00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:38,580 Share my toilet roll, Godber?! Look at all these socks I've darned! 80 00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:42,660 All right. 81 00:06:50,380 --> 00:06:53,220 Mind how you go! 82 00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:03,660 Hello, Dad! Hello, Ingrid, love. 83 00:07:03,660 --> 00:07:08,480 Hey, Fletch, this is me mum. Pleased to meet you, Mr Fletcher. 84 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,900 The pleasure's mine. This is my eldest, Ingrid. 85 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:16,860 Sit down, Fletcher! And you, Godber! 86 00:07:16,860 --> 00:07:20,340 This isn't a royal garden party, you know! 87 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,980 Who's he? That's Mr Mackay. 88 00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:28,680 Charmless Celtic nerk! Who's the boy? 89 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:33,180 Eh? Oh, that's Lennie Godber - my temporary cell-mate. 90 00:07:33,180 --> 00:07:37,400 He's from Birmingham, but he has got O-level geography. 91 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,580 You need it to get around Birmingham. 92 00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:42,980 How's your mother? 93 00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:47,260 Oh, she's fine. She sends her love. Oh, good. 94 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,140 How's your sister? 95 00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:53,780 Marion's fine. She's got a new job! 96 00:07:53,780 --> 00:08:01,040 Can't she keep a job for more than three weeks? The bosses molest her, she alleges. 97 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:06,580 She flaunts herself, don't she? Skirts right up to her expectations. 98 00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:10,620 Where is she now? Timothy Whites. 99 00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:15,500 They won't molest her there - they're all qualified pharmacists. 100 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:21,180 Her flat fell through. What flat? The one she shared with six people. 101 00:08:21,180 --> 00:08:24,940 Six! Fell through the floor, I should think! 102 00:08:24,940 --> 00:08:28,960 No, the rent went up, so she's home, pro tem. 103 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:33,860 How's young Raymond? Fine! He won the mile in the school sports. 104 00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:36,260 Did he? Ah. 105 00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:38,900 If I had, I might not be here now. 106 00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:43,940 He swims for the school and he's the stage manager in the school play. 107 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:51,240 Why isn't he in it? He played Yum-Yum in the Mikado last year. His voice has gone. Oh. 108 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,500 Well, he's on 30 a day. He's what?! 109 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:58,460 He's only 14! 30 a day! That's terrible! 110 00:08:58,460 --> 00:09:01,580 That's a dreadful waste of money. 111 00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:07,500 He saves the coupons! That's OK then (!) He wants an aqualung. 112 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:10,240 He'll need one if he has 30 a day! 113 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,780 He wants to go skin-diving in St Ives. 114 00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:18,820 It's all extra-curricular. Don't he fancy anything INSIDE the classroom? 115 00:09:18,820 --> 00:09:21,500 Mostly the girls, Dad! 116 00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:26,140 'Ere, I don't want him getting no girl into trouble! 117 00:09:26,140 --> 00:09:29,660 Well, if YOU hadn't, I wouldn't be here! 118 00:09:29,660 --> 00:09:33,700 We don't want any coarse remarks of that nature! 119 00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:37,980 I can't believe my ears when I hear kids today! 120 00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:45,340 There's nothing wrong! You and Mum have proved your love wasn't an infatuation... Silver wedding! 121 00:09:45,340 --> 00:09:50,940 I still don't want my love-life to be a yardstick! Raymond's only 14! 122 00:09:50,940 --> 00:09:58,340 When what happened happened to your mother and me, we were mature 16-year-olds. 123 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,620 In Highgate Cemetery, it was. 124 00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:06,900 But WE had something behind us. 125 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,140 The tomb of Karl Marx. 126 00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:16,660 No, but your mum had a nice, steady job in Gamages, 127 00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:20,340 and I had my plastering diploma from borstal. 128 00:10:20,340 --> 00:10:27,780 Talking of Highgate Cemetery, how's YOUR love-life? Oh, least said... Is it still Eddie Risley? 129 00:10:27,780 --> 00:10:31,160 I've warned you about him. He's a crook! 130 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:36,220 He's straight, Dad! He's just a tough businessman. Yeah (!) 131 00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:40,660 It isn't fair, people saying he'd sell his own mother. 132 00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:43,380 I heard that. Who from?! 133 00:10:43,380 --> 00:10:46,540 The two blokes who bought his mother. 134 00:10:46,540 --> 00:10:52,980 It's no good talking to you. You've got a blind spot about him. So have you. 135 00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:58,620 Giving you a bad time, isn't he? I don't know where I am with him. 136 00:10:58,620 --> 00:11:01,220 You don't half pick 'em, do you? 137 00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:06,780 You're a bonny girl. You could have anyone you wanted, you could. 138 00:11:06,780 --> 00:11:11,300 And also, you're not getting any younger - 24. 139 00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:16,540 That's not old! It is for a teenager! And a spinster! 140 00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:23,820 Oh, Dad! Things have changed since your day! Girls don't want to be tied down so quick. 141 00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:26,620 They see alternatives to marriage. 142 00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:29,360 Not in Muswell Hill, they don't. 143 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:35,220 They've twinned the Odeon! I'm talking about moral standards! 144 00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:40,260 What do social commentators know? Nothing about the real world! 145 00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:47,860 They all live in NW1! Never been further north than Hampstead or further south than Sloane Square! 146 00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:53,860 In the REAL world, Birmingham, Muswell Hill... Are you wearing a bra? 147 00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:58,660 I don't need to, Dad! What do you mean? 148 00:11:58,660 --> 00:12:01,340 My breasts are firm and pliant. 149 00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:03,580 Please, Ingrid! 150 00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:09,740 This isn't St Tropez! It's Slade bleeding Prison! 151 00:12:09,740 --> 00:12:16,500 The men here would go berserk at the sight of a shin, never mind unfettered knockers! 152 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:17,860 Dad! 153 00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:20,700 I'm sorry, but it has to be said. 154 00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:27,020 You are very naive about the effect your body can have on a shackled male. 155 00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:29,860 Dad, YOU are naive in some ways. 156 00:12:29,860 --> 00:12:32,940 I'm sure no-one's even noticed! 157 00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:02,000 Godber? 158 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,580 Godber! 159 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,760 GODBER! 160 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,700 What?! What? Are you awake? 161 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:21,100 What's the matter? You got any snout? 162 00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:26,760 No. Would you believe it? Yeah, I would, you inconsiderate nerk! 163 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,420 I thought you'd given up! 164 00:13:29,420 --> 00:13:32,240 I felt like starting again. 165 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,340 Mind your head. 166 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:45,040 Me mum bought me some Maltesers. No, thanks. And cake. No, thanks! 167 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:50,540 If you haven't got snout, go back to sleep! Thanks, you old scrote! 168 00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:57,040 What's the matter, anyway? I've got things on my mind. Like what? MY business! 169 00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,200 Oh, come on. You've woken me up now. 170 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:09,300 I just get depressed at times, that's all. Stinking stir! KICKS TABLE 171 00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:14,100 That's not like you, Fletch. 172 00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:19,220 A father's place is with his kids, giving them affection and guidance. 173 00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:24,940 I've got three, you know. Yeah, I know. 14, 19 and 24. 174 00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:29,940 Why the gap between each? Circumstances dictated that. 175 00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:35,420 How? Well, I had to keep going in prison for five years, didn't I? 176 00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:41,020 Teens is a terrible age - you expect trouble. 177 00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:46,140 But you'd think my Ingrid would have learnt a few lessons by now. 178 00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:50,700 She seemed a nice girl to me. She had lovely... 179 00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:56,620 I know what she had lovely! I'm her father. Be careful, Godber! 180 00:14:56,620 --> 00:14:59,540 Eyes! I was gonna say eyes. 181 00:14:59,540 --> 00:15:02,580 Lovely eyes. Big and blue. 182 00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:09,540 Oh, yeah. And a nice smile, which seemed to indicate a warm nature. True, true. 183 00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:14,960 I hope you don't mind me saying this... 184 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:21,320 ..but I couldn't help overhearing a bit of what you said. Most of us did. 185 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,420 Oh, yeah? 186 00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:28,140 This Eddie don't seem good enough for her. He's not. 187 00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:35,340 He says he's in the motor trade - he forges car log-books. Not that SHE'D believe it. 188 00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:39,580 How can YOU be sure? I bought two off him. 189 00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:46,060 They weren't much cop either. He spelt Citroen with an S. 190 00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:51,020 Well, I shouldn't worry too much. 191 00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:56,240 He'll get rumbled, and that'll give her time to find someone new. 192 00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:02,460 And I should think young Marion will settle down now at Timothy Whites. 193 00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:09,820 Don't worry about Raymond - I smoked at 14. And congratulations on your silver wedding. 194 00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:21,100 Did you earwig ALL my conversation? Why didn't you talk to your mother? It's a long schlep from Birmingham! 195 00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:26,860 She's doesn't have much to say - just a list of family ailments. 196 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:31,880 No news of Denise? She don't talk about Denise - she don't approve. 197 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:36,660 Why not? She uses green nail-varnish and doesn't wear a bra. 198 00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:39,960 Her and Ingrid have a lot in common. 199 00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:44,180 Your Ingrid's got nicer knockers! 200 00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:56,020 Fletcher, could I have a word? I'm playing draughts. 201 00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:59,580 It IS important. I wouldn't ask otherwise. 202 00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:02,400 So is THIS, innit? 203 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,340 Duty calls. 204 00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:13,040 We'll have to call it a draw. Half each. 205 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:24,780 Sorry to disturb you in association hour. That's OK. It's only draughts. 206 00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:29,840 Not your game as a rule, is it? No. There's not much else to do now. 207 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,700 Look at the Ping-Pong ball. 208 00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:36,700 Oh, I am sorry! It is a mess. Yeah. 209 00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:40,180 Anyhow, I wanted a quiet word. I'm all ears. 210 00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:42,820 Do you know where Godber is? 211 00:17:42,820 --> 00:17:47,980 He'll be at one of his poxy evening classes. Tuesday - woodwork. 212 00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:53,340 He's up in front of the Governor. Is he? The lad? What's he done? 213 00:17:53,340 --> 00:18:01,120 He's attacked a prisoner in the kitchen. He attacked Jackdaw with a soup ladle. I don't believe it! 214 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:06,400 It's quite true! It was a severe and unprovoked attack, the officer said. 215 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:13,900 I don't believe it! I know Jackdaw gets on everybody's nerves, but Lennie's a passive sort of boy. 216 00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:20,620 He wouldn't hurt a fly! I thought you might throw some light on the matter. 217 00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:27,100 I dunno... He seemed his usual self this morning. At lunchtime he was cheerful. 218 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:32,140 But Mr Pringle did slip on a bit of orange peel and hurt his back, 219 00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,700 so we was ALL cheerful. 220 00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:39,700 Fletcher! Be serious! Godber is in trouble! 221 00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:47,340 It's so irrational, you see. I like that lad, you know. I think he shows a lot of promise. 222 00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:53,900 It's the system, innit? It's turning an affable young lad into a violent criminal! 223 00:18:53,900 --> 00:19:01,180 You're sitting on a volcano which could at any time erupt into violence and mayhem! 224 00:19:01,180 --> 00:19:06,420 Fletcher, you've got your finger on the pulse. How can we avert this? 225 00:19:06,420 --> 00:19:11,380 Well, there is one thing you could do to postpone the holocaust. 226 00:19:11,380 --> 00:19:16,200 What? You could indent for another Ping-Pong ball. Fletcher! 227 00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:36,300 Well then? 228 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,060 Well then, what? I heard. 229 00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:43,620 Heard what? I heard you hit Jackdaw with a ladle. 230 00:19:43,620 --> 00:19:46,760 Heard right then, didn't you? 231 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:53,440 Must've had your reasons. I did. Ain't you going in the cooler then? 232 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,460 No. Lucky lad! Lucky, am I?! 233 00:19:56,460 --> 00:20:00,760 Yeah! Assault, innit, ladling a fellow prisoner?! 234 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,900 Automatic cooler offence, ladling. 235 00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:10,380 I just got loss of privileges, due to the mitigating circumstances. 236 00:20:10,380 --> 00:20:13,800 You must have had mitigating circumstances! 237 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,040 Look, you don't HAVE to tell me. 238 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:32,020 You don't HAVE to say what drove you to launch into Jackdaw with a deadly weapon, to wit, one ladle! 239 00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:36,520 I won't then. I'd rather not. Oh, I see. 240 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,880 I see! 241 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:46,720 It hasn't occurred to you that your hitherto blameless record is due in no small part to yours truly. 242 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:54,540 I'm only the guy who showed you the ropes, kept you on the rails, loaned you his soft toilet-paper! 243 00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:59,580 I'm not ungrateful! Every time I go to the bog, I'm not ungrateful. 244 00:20:59,580 --> 00:21:08,260 Having eavesdropped into MY private life, don't you think it's time I knew something about yours?! 245 00:21:08,260 --> 00:21:14,960 I got bad news! Jackdaw took the mick, so I hit him when my mind was disturbed! 246 00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:19,500 News? Yeah! 247 00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:27,920 What news?! 248 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:41,640 Oh. 249 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:49,860 It's a Dear John letter. In my case it's Dear Lennie. Naturally. 250 00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:54,280 Yours, but not forever, Denise, eh? That's right. 251 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:57,100 So it's the DEMISE of Denise! 252 00:21:57,100 --> 00:21:59,720 That's not funny, Fletcher! 253 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,040 Was that a joke? Not what I call a joke! 254 00:22:04,460 --> 00:22:09,500 Don't you think I've seen it happen hundreds of times? It's inevitable. 255 00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:14,820 At least she's honest. They're all at it like knives while we're here! 256 00:22:14,820 --> 00:22:22,140 But her main concern in her last letter was whether to get a budgerigar or a canary! 257 00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:25,500 In your future life together? Yeah. 258 00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:30,000 One decision you won't have to make. I suppose not. 259 00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:35,380 Look, I know it's only academic now, but... 260 00:22:35,380 --> 00:22:39,140 ..speaking personally, from personal experience... 261 00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:43,640 ..I would say that always, by and large... 262 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,980 ..I would plump for a budgerigar. 263 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,280 Oh. 264 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:57,980 Why? They're more friendly, and canaries are prone to draughts, you know. 265 00:22:57,980 --> 00:23:00,800 I think it's the angle of the tail. 266 00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:09,020 I speak from experience, 'cos we had a canary once. Surly little bleeder! 267 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:13,700 As you say, it's academic. Yeah. He's dead now. 268 00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:21,380 So, Denise has had... Someone's... There's another man, is there? Do you know him? 269 00:23:21,380 --> 00:23:27,500 His name's Kenneth. He's in the merchant navy, so there's no contest. 270 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:34,700 I see. Jolly Jack Tar, the sailor with the navy-blue eyes and all the gold braid? 271 00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:38,220 Sun shines out of his port-hole, I know. 272 00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:43,340 Don't worry, it's only temporary. 273 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:49,900 Once he's at sea, you'll be out with Denise, and he'll be up the Persian Gulf. 274 00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:55,560 Then you can just assume your rightful place in her affections. 275 00:23:55,560 --> 00:24:01,680 It's just temporary. I don't think so. No sweat. She's married him. 276 00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,040 She's what? 277 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,940 Last Saturday. She thought I should know. 278 00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:11,760 Married him. 279 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:15,680 The Cross Keys did them proud - pate and salad. 280 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:20,200 Well, I'm appalled. 281 00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,040 I don't know what to say. 282 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,740 Pate and salad! 283 00:24:29,140 --> 00:24:35,500 Mum's coming next month. She would have come today, only the doctor forbade it. 284 00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:42,260 He said she'd be a fool to herself. Nothing serious? Just something going round. 285 00:24:42,260 --> 00:24:46,980 Marion ain't with Timothy Whites no longer. 286 00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:51,420 Ain't she? Dispensed with her services, have they? 287 00:24:51,420 --> 00:24:56,480 She's got a job selling shirts. She shows them round the offices. 288 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,860 Makes a change from showing her knickers. 289 00:24:59,860 --> 00:25:03,180 She's found another flat in Maida Vale, 290 00:25:03,180 --> 00:25:08,220 and what you'll be most glad to hear is that me and Eddie have split up. 291 00:25:08,220 --> 00:25:11,400 Have you? Not before time, girl! 292 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:17,960 That's a great relief to us all. Yeah, we was very worried about that liaison. 293 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:22,220 Do you mind?! Get on with your own visit, please! 294 00:25:22,220 --> 00:25:27,360 Sorry, Mrs Godber. Haven't you got any news from the home front, dear? 295 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:34,140 Well, I can't think of anything to say. It's like visiting people in hospital. 296 00:25:34,140 --> 00:25:37,960 Force yourself, love. Here, here, here! 297 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,520 He does bird impressions. 298 00:25:42,060 --> 00:25:44,780 You all know the procedure! 299 00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:50,540 Conversation will be confined to the person opposite the prisoner. 300 00:25:50,540 --> 00:25:53,440 There will be no fratricide here. 301 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:59,620 That's what I told him. So if you'll excuse us, Godber... 302 00:25:59,620 --> 00:26:03,680 Sorry, Fletch. Sorry, miss. That's all right. 303 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,880 So, you've given Eddie the big E. That's good. 304 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,620 Stick to what I tell you in future, right? 305 00:26:11,620 --> 00:26:16,540 I do! Ain't you noticed how discreet I am today? What do you mean? 306 00:26:16,540 --> 00:26:23,660 Last time I embarrassed you, so this time I've given you no cause. I don't get you. 307 00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:27,520 Oh, Dad, look! I'm wearing a bra! 308 00:26:38,180 --> 00:26:41,360 Look at that, look at that! 309 00:26:45,260 --> 00:26:49,900 What? It's a Ping-Pong ball, innit? Two-star! 310 00:26:49,900 --> 00:26:54,440 You don't play! I don't, but some nerks here do! 311 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:59,460 Ping-Pong balls are scarce. I'll get four ounces of snout for this! 312 00:26:59,460 --> 00:27:01,900 Look at that! 313 00:27:03,820 --> 00:27:05,980 Fletch... Yeah? 314 00:27:05,980 --> 00:27:10,940 Can I ask you something? 315 00:27:10,940 --> 00:27:18,260 You know when I was worried after that letter about the stigma of being an ex-con? Yeah. 316 00:27:18,260 --> 00:27:25,580 Do you think it'll be hard working my way back into society? Depends on the breaks. 317 00:27:25,580 --> 00:27:33,020 Did YOU have any difficulty? No, I've never had any trouble, 'cos I always go straight. 318 00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:35,760 Straight back into crime. 319 00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:42,380 But with you it's different. You're young. You've got an honest face. 320 00:27:42,380 --> 00:27:45,360 Is that enough? Yeah, I think so. 321 00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:49,300 Character, that's what you've got. Character. 322 00:27:49,300 --> 00:27:52,000 You're a good lad. 323 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:58,580 So you think then, that if a girl cared for me, she'd forgive my past misdemeanours? 324 00:27:58,580 --> 00:28:03,360 Yeah, if she's a human being. Any human being would. 325 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:08,660 You've got to learn to believe in yourself, 'cos I believe in you. 326 00:28:08,660 --> 00:28:12,260 Do you? Of course. I'll post this then. 327 00:28:12,260 --> 00:28:19,580 Could you get Barrowclough to post it outside? Who to? BBC? Yes, on plain notepaper. 328 00:28:19,580 --> 00:28:22,580 "Hello, Young Lovers" corner?! 329 00:28:22,580 --> 00:28:28,460 Is all this for the benefit of that slag, Denise? No, not her! Who then? 330 00:28:28,460 --> 00:28:30,320 Ingrid. 331 00:28:33,740 --> 00:28:36,000 My Ingrid? 332 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,740 Our eyes met across the room. 333 00:28:38,740 --> 00:28:42,000 My daughter Ingrid? And we both knew. 334 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:46,080 You think I'll let my Ingrid take up with you?! 335 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,280 A juvenile delinquent from Birmingham! 336 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:54,320 Fletch! Be careful! Why? You've crushed your Ping-Pong ball. 337 00:29:18,420 --> 00:29:22,400 Subtitles by Jane Wolsey - 1992 -